What Now?

What Now ??

Well, this is a pretty disillusioned looking start, but my intrinsic ability to interpret things according to my convenience forces me to look at it in a highly positive light. Somehow all my recent failures have made me even more hopeful of success. The difference lying in the fact that my idealism has been stained by the correct amount of pragmatism. My optimism garnished with a pinch of pessimism. Now I look at things with amazing patience and incredible restlessness.

I guess I have become very ambitious lately. Inverse psychology could be entirely based on me. A dream of seven years completely shattered by my own ignorance and arrogance yet I am haughty enough to believe I still rule the world. Well sometimes I find my confidence and optimism miserable. I mean people find my behavior really strange. It is assumed that I must be sad and ashamed of me. While some feel I have done really well. The problem is that I know I should have done better, I know I deserve better but I know I didn’t work as hard. So it is very difficult to either feel satisfied or regretful. Thanks to my own naiveté I don’t even know what to feel. So now I look at things as an outsider. I look at life as sufficient raw material and what I have to do with it. Detachment from my dreams and cynicism towards my own optimism have been the latest additions to my personality.

So now I stand just inches before the start line. I know I’ll be running this race at my own convenient pace, along a self defined route yet I am confident of emerging first. It seems very strong of me to feel this way, but, I myself am in complete awe of my feelings right now. Some people close to me are worried. I cry a lot. But nowadays things don’t bother me much. I feel I have become slightly sadistic towards my failures. They are kind of inspiring now. It may help me become strong. But I just hope that this outlook is not a result of self defense. Whatever be the root I am suddenly quite happy with my new self. Somehow my earlier belief in the bollywood concept of happy endings looks pathetic to me now. My belief in destiny is somewhat lessened. This moderation was genuinely required. I just wished it was brought about in less drastic a manner. Okay, so I still haven’t answered my question of what now, and, where to? I have kind of assembled myself, my thoughts and my ambitions. The only thing left is the platform I need to use. But again, how would it matter? One thing I have realized is that my life depends on my choices and my hard work. That is just about it. Everything is very simple; it just takes a lot of stupidities, mistakes and failures to understand this. All said and done I have just done a bit of retrospection and realized that life doesn’t move with nostalgia, regret or simply hope. So the question remains unanswered. I have just been able to clear my mind to look for an answer.

So now I look forward to starting afresh and well, for good. I am terribly sorry to you for making you go through this. Thank you for being patient enough to read the mess I have made of my brain and the efforts I am putting to clean it up. Thank you for tolerating my bad writing skills, and thank you for wasting your time in making no difference to either of our lives. Hope to irritate you further in the near future. Till then I intend to learn writing.