Saturday, June 21, 2008

Theme

Theme

Theme. I like this word a lot. It gives me a sense of security and I find it shocking. I always thought of myself as a much disorganized person with ineptitude towards routine. I find being systematic restrictive, so till recent the word theme signified rules or restrictions for me. But just yesterday I read this word, and it struck me that it connotes something quite different. There must always be a theme to something; it gives us a sort of direction, a purpose. I mean whatever we do; whatever we spend our time and energies on must have some purpose. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

If I have to go to office tomorrow why don’t I make a big deal out of it? It’s my life. It should be a big deal. Everything that I do should be of importance, of relevance. After all if I can’t make a difference to me, who can? Being a tramp looks very attractive at first. Leading life without expectations or hopes sounds very alluring. But then, is that enough? When we have been made capable of feeling emotions, why make our self devoid of that? Why lead life without a purpose, a goal, a theme?

Looking at things from this perspective I realize that anything we do would be so much more fruitful, so much more satisfying. A central theme developing into a beautiful creation because of our focus, our efforts and our dreams. It would be so much more rewarding than just to lead life as a vagrant. All of us complain that things are so bad around us, that nobody makes a difference. True. That’s because most of the things we do don’t even make a difference to us, let alone others. What if we start doing things because we dream to achieve them, then we could make a difference. Each moment of our lives would be worth noting and worth cherishing. Then a moment wouldn’t just pass but it would be lived instead.

So now, after some contemplation I find the idea of my life revolving around a theme all the more glamorous, all the more satisfying and all the more alive. All that I do would revolve around a purpose, every moment of achievement would be a matter of celebration. I have even decided what theme my life would centre on, it would be a search for a purpose and the means to achieve it. So that I could win every time I try and celebrate every moment I live. The theme would be to learn to endeavor and have the tenacity to succeed.

“Ultimately, your theme will find you. You don't have to go looking for it.”
-Richard Russo

I agree. Don’t you?

Monday, June 16, 2008

To Be Or Not To Be...

To Be Or Not To Be...

I have heard this line many a times. Forgive me for my ignorance; I can’t remember who wrote it. Shakespeare, maybe. He generally wrote such things. Anyways, the author or his intentions are irrelevant. When I think of this phrase, it reminds me of the mental dilemma I constantly face. To be ordinary or not. On face value, this is a silly question; I mean who wants to be ordinary, right? Wrong. Look around you, most people aspire to be ordinary, they not only dream of oblivion but also advertise it. The people who think out of the box are categorized as fools, losers or plain obnoxious.

People find herd mentality safe. Superficially it is. But only superficially. I mean it’s like not climbing the stairs for the fear of falling. Not learning to dance as you may be laughed at. Not tasting the dish your mom invented because you may not like it. This is safety? No. This is giving up. Resigning to conventions usually serves only one purpose, making your failures and non-achievements more palatable. What I find strange is that why can’t we be secure about success? Why can’t we feel our struggles to achieve to be safe and satisfying? Why is it that only copying is considered safe?

We are taught from kindergarten that each child is special, each is unique. When we finally accept this and set out on making a life of our own, then suddenly out of nowhere, the same people who said this to us come up and say that life isn’t easy. Everybody cannot be Mahatma Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Mother Teresa. Fine, I buy that. But surely, I can be Priyanka Pandey. Why don’t you realize that? Why does it happen that the strife for protecting me ultimately results in suffocating me? Why am I taught to be unique yet expected to be ordinary?

I have noticed lately, that the need for independence is usually interpreted as rebellion. Weird. I want to learn from the difficulties of life, and I am kept away from them. They say its convenience. Its luxury. What if I don’t want it? A wheelchair may be a convenience for someone who is physically challenged, but for a person who is not it will remain a handicap.

I realize I have very strong opinions on this issue, they may even be biased. But still, these opinions I apply only to me. What I don’t understand is that why don’t others think the same. Why does it have to be, I did it this way, you do it too. How can opinions be right or wrong just by the age of the person holding them? Okay, I realize people elder to me are more experienced, but why should it stop me from learning on my own. Had they done things differently, would my life be different then? Why don’t people realize that the only absolute thing is the concept of relativity?

There are so many questions to be answered. Each time I ask them. I get the same reply. You are young. You don’t know. How? My six year old cousin, Pali, knows more about Pogo than I do. So? Do I tell her, no Pali, I am elder to you, I know Pink Panther series is only a movie. There is no such cartoon. Of course there is! I was just watching it with her before coming here to manufacture more torture for you!

So, I still continue to think, why am I being pushed into ordinariness, into being plain, into being one of the crowd. People say that it is so that I don’t get hurt. Well, if I comply with them, I know I won’t because I’ll become numb. No ambitions, no dreams, so definitely no scope of disappointment. Although it’s ok, I’ll bear some trouble, I have been given a life and I intend to live it. Not finish it by merely existing. Not waste it by just reaching some set destinations without experiencing the journey.

I am a very sincere learner. Very stubborn. Since I have been taught that I am unique. I intend to believe in it and fight for it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Pseudo-Start

Pseudo-Start

Okay. So now I apologize for my previous mess of a post. Thank You so much all for your patience and comments. I admit I haven’t got down to learning writing as yet and I promise I’ll try to make this as less painful as possible.

The last post was written in complete chaos, due to various reasons, namely all that has been happening in my life and the fact that I have just started blogging. So I thought my second post could be a sort of pseudo-beginning to all the crap that I plan to post.

Well, I am Priyanka, a nineteen year old crazy angelic Satan. I have done practically nothing in life except for making a mess of things and making friends. Somehow that is the only way to describe the nineteen years of my life. I have recently started thinking a lot, mostly about me. I was trying to describe myself to one of my friends, trying to categorize me. Like we all try to in our orkut/facebook profiles. Well, it used to be pretty easy earlier. That day I just couldn’t. Earlier, it was easy to say… I am a very optimistic, happy go lucky sort of girl. I take life as it comes and like talking to people. I am beautiful, intelligent and blah blah. Now when I look at my orkut profile, it seems as If my six year old cousin has written it. No even she speaks better.

Recently, when I come to think of it, I don’t know what to say. So I have resigned to convenience as always, I now think of myself as this really unique person, impossible to put in any slot. Seriously, I really love myself *wicked grin*. I think I realize why CB accused me of narcissism. Anyways, I love you CB :)

I have just started blogging. Was thinking about it for the last couple of years or so. Many of my friends and many of my supposed friends hold the opinion that I speak well and should start writing. I used to think the same. But my last attempt showed me that it is really tough to pen down all that you feel. Now I think most of my friends had an ulterior motive in suggesting blogging. Most probably it was out of sheer frustration with my incessant outflow of emotions via the wonderful art of speaking that they decided to distract me. Its ok, I don’t mind. As I always maintain, I am too self-absorbed to care about what others think of me. Very few people’s opinion matters, and luckily, they tolerate all my crap, always. Thank you.

So, I plan to continue posting my ramblings here. On issues concerning usually me, and others, when I am in the mood of social service. I plan to put my views in text, because well, I like torturing people with them. I plan to write about everything that is important or useless, because: “Any idiot can face a crisis - its day to day living that wears you out. “ Okay, this brilliant line is not my creation; it is thanks to Anton Chekhov that I could put in one good line in this post.

Now, I’ll wait for something to talk about and for my eye infection to heal. It is really irritating me now. :)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What Now?


What Now ??
Well, this is a pretty disillusioned looking start, but my intrinsic ability to interpret things according to my convenience forces me to look at it in a highly positive light. Somehow all my recent failures have made me even more hopeful of success. The difference lying in the fact that my idealism has been stained by the correct amount of pragmatism. My optimism garnished with a pinch of pessimism. Now I look at things with amazing patience and incredible restlessness.
I guess I have become very ambitious lately. Inverse psychology could be entirely based on me. A dream of seven years completely shattered by my own ignorance and arrogance yet I am haughty enough to believe I still rule the world. Well sometimes I find my confidence and optimism miserable. I mean people find my behavior really strange. It is assumed that I must be sad and ashamed of me. While some feel I have done really well. The problem is that I know I should have done better, I know I deserve better but I know I didn’t work as hard. So it is very difficult to either feel satisfied or regretful. Thanks to my own naiveté I don’t even know what to feel. So now I look at things as an outsider. I look at life as sufficient raw material and what I have to do with it. Detachment from my dreams and cynicism towards my own optimism have been the latest additions to my personality.
So now I stand just inches before the start line. I know I’ll be running this race at my own convenient pace, along a self defined route yet I am confident of emerging first. It seems very strong of me to feel this way, but, I myself am in complete awe of my feelings right now. Some people close to me are worried. I cry a lot. But nowadays things don’t bother me much. I feel I have become slightly sadistic towards my failures. They are kind of inspiring now. It may help me become strong. But I just hope that this outlook is not a result of self defense. Whatever be the root I am suddenly quite happy with my new self. Somehow my earlier belief in the bollywood concept of happy endings looks pathetic to me now. My belief in destiny is somewhat lessened. This moderation was genuinely required. I just wished it was brought about in less drastic a manner. Okay, so I still haven’t answered my question of what now, and, where to? I have kind of assembled myself, my thoughts and my ambitions. The only thing left is the platform I need to use. But again, how would it matter? One thing I have realized is that my life depends on my choices and my hard work. That is just about it. Everything is very simple; it just takes a lot of stupidities, mistakes and failures to understand this. All said and done I have just done a bit of retrospection and realized that life doesn’t move with nostalgia, regret or simply hope. So the question remains unanswered. I have just been able to clear my mind to look for an answer.
So now I look forward to starting afresh and well, for good. I am terribly sorry to you for making you go through this. Thank you for being patient enough to read the mess I have made of my brain and the efforts I am putting to clean it up. Thank you for tolerating my bad writing skills, and thank you for wasting your time in making no difference to either of our lives. Hope to irritate you further in the near future. Till then I intend to learn writing.