The little things you do

My thinking is kind of solenoidal, it usually lacks a source or sink...

Usually, the quotations in my blog posts are borrowed; the above however, is an original. I just came across it a couple of minutes back, I had totally forgotten saying (writing, actually) it, and it took me sometime to verify that I really had come up with it, since Google holds no account of anyone else saying the same, I can safely assume the originality of it, as Google is the place where I plagiarize (well, not really) from. Then I remembered how proud I was when I said it. It happens sometimes. I say things, and then just like Pali, who feels so proud of every drawing she has ever made, I kind of feel really happy. Like when I make those weird sketches, the doodling that I do in class, some of them look really beautiful. I am not an artist really, but I fall in love with some of the things I create. Like this post I had written sometime back, With You, Always, it’s my favourite and I was really happy when I wrote it. I waste a lot of time thinking about the things that make me sad, as is apparent in my blog, but I am amazed to see how little it takes to make me smile. Sometimes it’s the little things that I made or said; sometimes it’s a text message from a friend, a chocolate, all the nonsense my bhai-log come up with or sometimes when a child laughs. Just like now, when I was supposed to be studying for exams that have long gone beyond just knocking at my door, I was net-surfing, blog-reading and commenting and feeling sad about not studying, just then I came across the above quote and it made me smile.

Kal Se Ya Abhi Se?

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!

- Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts

Warm, Devil’s Chocolate Cake with Vanilla Ice Cream, mint-chocolate chips, hot chocolate sauce, caramel and strawberries! I don’t know about you, but I certainly cannot think of anything better. Each spoon is the epitome of temptation and sinful pleasure. When faced with the dilemma of giving in or giving up, I always ignore the latter. A little won’t do any harm, and it definitely makes you feel “In Love”. The essence is not in the taste, which is obviously good, the essence lies in the way it makes you feel. Special, In Love and all that. I maintain however, that I don’t know about you, but for me that is exactly how it is. All that chocolate and all for me. Roti-Sabzi-Dal-Chawal love you, they really do, and they always want the best for you, but when it comes to this sinful temptation, well, all the goodness is overshadowed. Melted chocolate can be more destructive than molten lava, really.

Think of it though, will I be able to eat that sinfully enticing and amazing chocolate fantasy, day in and day out? Not really, I mean, I might say yes, but I know, not possible. So even though I might neglect my dal-chawal-roti-sabzi, I know in my heart that it is irreplaceable. Sometimes, while you are enjoying the wonders of chocolate, a little something tells you, “Bas ho gaya, too meetha” or “OMG, one more spoon and I’ll faint” that is your wake up call. When that moment comes, and you are faced with the question of giving up for sometime than giving in for good, when you look at that delicious concoction of pure chocolate temptation and ask “Kal se ya abhi se?” The answer is, “Abhi Se”.

But then, sometimes, “A little too much chocolate is just about right.” Sometimes you give in, sometimes you give up, but never for good, coz sometimes, “There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now." 

Stars and Eyelashes..

We cannot wish for that we know not. 
-Voltaire         

There was a time when wishing upon a star I wished for Shahrukh Khan. There was a time when given a genie in a bottle, I’d ask for hair as long as my grandma and skin as fair as snow white. Shahrukh, I don’t want now; long hair and skin fair, been there and done that. 

That time, when wishes came true, I had nothing to wish for or perhaps lacked the wisdom to choose rightly. Now when I do, when all I do is think of what could have been and what should have been; now wishes seem to be fairy tales, fiction and non-scientific.

I remember the time when we had all camped on our terrace to witness the mesmerizing meteor showers. It was the time “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai” had released. Had I wished for what I now want, maybe I’d be writing about something else now, maybe not.

Now when I wish upon a little eyelash, I wish wishes could come true, just like that.

Moral of the story: When the biggest concern in your life is your looks, be happy; because when that goes down your wish list then it means that you have grown up.

Ziddi Kahin Ki

Ziddi Kahin Ki

“You aren’t supposed to be here.”

Ignore.

“You aren’t supposed to be doing this.”

Ignore.

“You aren’t supposed to be thinking that way.”

“You know, Ms. Know-it-all-little-friggin’-voice, instead of constantly telling me what not to do, you could help out and tell me what to do instead. I don’t have the time to sit and figure out, so either let me do what I think is correct, or just give me an alternative, okay”

“Fair enough, but if you can’t think of it, how can I? If you remember, we do share the same brain.”

“No, we don’t. You apparently are a product of my crazy brain, and just try to act all smart.”

“I don’t act smart, I am smart. Unlike you, the only thing I rely on is our brain, which I happen to believe is a pretty credible source.”

“Unlike me?”

“Yes, I do not get swayed by instincts, emotions or basically any of that nonsense. I rely on facts.”

“And you believe that is a good thing? The “facts” that you are such a fan of have been added by me in our, no my brain, it was my judgment, my intuition and my instinct that made me decide what I should keep and what I should reject. So how can you be in a better position without all of that?”

“Whatever, anyways you shouldn’t really be doing that.”

“Here we go again, Oh, just Shut Up, will you?”

“You are a very stubborn and rude woman.”

“Thank you and you are just plain irritating. Just shoo away, okay?”

“Huh. Don’t come crying to me.”

“Yes, fine. I won’t. I never do.”

“Azel, whom are you talking to?”

“Mom, do you want to kill me?! Why do you have to yell each time you enter my room? No one, I was just thinking aloud.”

“Seriously, you should stop behaving like a kid, grow up.”

Door slammed.

“What is wrong with everyone?”

“You said something?”

“Again!!! What is wrong with you? No, I didn’t say anything. Go.”

“Azeeeeeeeel! I can hear you speak.”

“Yes, coz I am audible Mom, congrats.”

“Badtameez ho gayi ho tum.”

“Haan, pata hai.”

“You, little voice, stop talking to me. Shit, where was I?”

“You were in the middle of doing what you shouldn’t be doing.”

“Yes, thanks, and I will continue to do it.”

“Ziddi kahin ki.”

After screwing that very thing up, well, I still don’t mind.

The thing is that, people just tell you what you shouldn’t do, what they couldn’t do. There are very few who tell you what to, and even that isn’t fool proof. Ultimately, after screw ups and successes, you just have to figure it all out for yourself. You have to be at it if you think it is right. Whether it was or not is something that only time will tell. At the end of it, it is your failure, your success and your life.

“Time has a way of demonstrating that the most stubborn are the most intelligent.”

-Yevgeny Yevtushenko

P.S. - I didn’t like the quote that much. I just liked the guy’s name, some famous Russian poet. Also, people who think I give too much Funda that is clearly not the intention. It is just that I like to talk to myself in writing too, and I need to convince myself every now and then. You of course can learn and help yourself, I am all for spreading knowledge, joy and bleh. Ciao.

With You, Always.

With You, Always.

Trrrring Trrring.

“Hello?”

“Hi”

“Umm, Sorry, I can’t place your voice, Oh, and Btw, It is Friggin’ 4 in the morning.”

“Hey, don’t be rude, you shouldn’t be rude to me, or to anyone for that matter.”

“Okay, look, I was in the middle of an amazing dream and then I need to leave for college, this is the last time I am asking, who are you and what do you want? If you don’t answer, I’ll just go back to sleep.”

“Who am I and what do I want? These are perhaps the toughest questions to answer, and you want an immediate answer?”

“Intriguing, Bye.”

 I hung up. What was that anyways and why did the voice sound so familiar? It sounded like, someone whom I’ve spoken to before, someone whom I speak with constantly. Never mind, I could sleep for another hour or so. As I turned on my pillow, I saw this boy sitting on my bed. 

“What????! Who are you and what are you doing on my bed???!!” I just stared at the boy, as he stared back at me, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. He must have been my age, or perhaps a year or two older. Thick black hair, curling on his neck and all messed up on his forehead. Slightly flushed skin, and emerald, no bottle green eyes with a sharp, proud nose and beautiful lips curved in a smile. Shock and appreciation created a turmoil within me, while his presence had a strange calming effect. It might have been a second or two, before he replied, but it seemed like minutes or maybe even hours,

“You hung up on me. I needed to speak with you.”

“I what?”

“I called you up just now; I need to talk to you about certain things.”

“This isn’t happening, I get weird dreams all the time, this is another one of them, you can’t be real, you are probably a 23 year old version of a Mills and Boon hero and you are just messing with my head.”

He laughed. It was perhaps, the purest, most mesmerizing laugh I had ever heard. Inspite of the sheer masculinity of it, it reminded me of a little cherub laughing and smiling.

“No, Azel, I am not “messing” with your head.  I am simply here because you have been calling out to me, and I have been caught up in a lot of other issues. Now tell me, why did you call me and why do you think I hate you?”

“You know my name? Okay, don’t answer that, you’re sitting on my bed, knowing my name isn’t really a big deal. How did you get in?”

“I was always here darling, I just couldn’t talk to you then”

“Hey, don’t you darling me! You may be all cute and all, but I am just Priyanka to you, do not call me Azel or Darling.”

“Have you still not recognized me child?”

“Wow, you don’t look all that old you know, and now I am sure this is just another one of my weird dreams.”

“I am older than you could imagine, and younger than the idea just formed a Planck time ago. Yes, I know you like using that unit of time, while in one of your exaggerating moods.”

“Okay, look, now you are really creeping me out. Please tell me your name, and what is it that you want from me. See, let us just assume that I am a very dull person, and you explain everything. Okay?”

“Tell me something Azel, why didn’t you scream or yell for help when you saw me?”

“Err…umm… good question, does this mean I should have or should I now? You know I am pretty strong, I could beat you up or something. Sorry, I mean. Look, do not confuse me now. I didn’t scream, because I didn’t feel like, as crazy as it may sound, you don’t really look the hurting type.”

He smiled; he had this really pleasant, peaceful smile. Something so pure and pristine, that it was almost holy.

“Haha, well, yes I would never hurt you, but you have accused me many times of doing so, everyone does that, but I don’t mean to, really. Anyways, do you know how long I’ve known you?”

“No. I’ll cry now. Please don’t ask more questions. I do not know you, how will I know how long you’ve known me! This is the first time I am seeing you!”

“But, is this the first time you are talking to me?”

“No.”

“I knew, you’d be honest and I knew you would remember. I’ve been with you, longer than you’ve been on Earth, I’ve seen you laugh, and I’ve felt you cry, I am what you call your God.”

“What?!”

“Well, I know it sounds strange, calling myself God, you people have made a big deal out of it. You’ve been better, you talk to me, you speak with me and you fight with me, you are one special child, all of you are, and you are a friend.”

Suddenly, I was shy, and I slapped myself mentally for actually believing him. He was God? How can he be God, how can I talk to God? Yet, I’ve been doing so for a long time.

“How can you look like this? This is hardly the image we see around us.”

“Well, I just chose this look, from what you correctly identified as your mills and boon novel. You happen to like them a lot, don’t you?”

“Err, yes, are you sure you’re God?”

“Yep, hundred percent. Oh come on now, you yell at me every day, why so scared now?”

“I am not scared, just confused. Why are you here?”

“To speak with you, why are you doing this to yourself?”

“What?  I am fine, what did I do?”

“You know what I am talking about, you know I don’t really make things happen, you know I won’t be able to take you back, you know you made a mistake, why won’t you move on?”

“Wow, one hope I had from you and you actually come to meet me and shatter it?”

“Azel, listen. We have been friends, ever since you heard about me, ever since you accepted that I am not a person, or God, or whatever, to be scared of or to be put on a pedestal. You have been honest about the fact, that you see me as a friend as a support system, then why do you keep telling me to give you another chance? Why do you do it, when you don’t believe in it? Why, after realizing your mistake and succeeding in getting on the right track, do you want to go back? You know it is not possible.”

“I know. I just like to delude myself, and escape into moments of hope and dreams.”

“Azel, it is okay to do that, it is human, but do not hurt yourself. Do not limit yourself. You know that to achieve whatever dreams you have seen for yourself, you have to work hard. You have to make it happen. I am always there to listen to you, to be there. To give you the push, but I cannot turn back time, not for you not for anyone.”

“I know, I just like to put some blame on you, I don’t really mean it, I know you love me.”

“I know, and I don’t mind that, I know you are still a baby in some ways but I want you to be happy and I want you to look ahead. There are many mistakes that you have made, they cannot be undone, but they can be stepped over and you can move ahead. Don’t cling to the past. It will not help.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Oh God, do I need to tell you? Oh, hehe, I just called your name, without actually meaning you! Hehe, sorry.  Thanks for always being there and listening to me.”

“Sure, no problem. Now I have other people to talk to, keep in touch.”

“Yes, oh by the way, can you seriously not change things around you, like you know people going crazy fighting about you!”

“Azel, all of you have been blessed with a brain, I want each of you to use it to lead your life the way you want to, if I wanted to make you puppets I would have. You all have a free will, it is not right for me to curb or manipulate it.”

“Hmmmmm.”

“Okay, now go back to sleep, you can still make it to college after a nap. You have a Microprocessor class right, which you haven’t attended in weeks? Setting your alarm at 8, sleep now”

“No No, make it 9, last week I got proxy attendance, will go for the second class, okay? I mean it’s okay right?”

“Seriously, you’re going to ask God forgiveness for bunking your class from now?”

“Hehe, no, 9 then, Gnite”

“Gnite, Sweet Dreams, Sleep well and Bless you.”

He kissed me on my forehead and I slept.

Trrriiing Trrriiiing. “OMG! 9! Shit, not again, I’ll miss the first class again!!!” Wait, who was that boy in my room before I slept? Suddenly it all flashed back. Strange dream. Again. Is this a disorder? Getting weird dreams? I mean I talk to myself and now I dream of meeting God, who looks as if he is 23 and cute! Anyways, better get ready for college.

As I sit in my car in the traffic jam, and listen to ‘Lothlorien by Enya, from the LOTR soundtrack, on my E72 and look outside the window at a nearby park, I see a boy, six feet tall, lean and athletic. With dark, black, slightly wavy hair, looking at me with the greenest eyes ever and smiling. He is holding the hand of a toddler, or actually the toddler is tightly gripping his finger, with all his might, and the Sun comes out of the clouds. I look at him, I stare at the boy from my dream, and he winks at me and my car flashes by.

Just a little girl...

She woke up, rubbed her big brown eyes with her little, soft, pink hands.  She stood up, looked around, and began walking....

Walking alone in the woods. How did she get there? Her mother didn’t allow her to leave home alone. “Uh, well, if mommy doesn’t know and I have come this far, surely it mustn’t be that scary?” Alone she walked, amazed at the wonders of the forest, at the tall, such tall trees, which filtered sunlight as if the skies were showering golden glitter, the leaves crunched beneath her pretty red sandals. Tall grass tickled her knees as she hopped along, her little white frock full of the precious dirt from her strange new adventure. Her brown curls filled with little twigs and leaves from the fall which had brought her here as she now remembered. But where had she fallen from?

“I’ll think about it later in my boring little room, I must hurry and see all that I can before someone catches me!” She continued hopping and skipping gleefully when she saw a man, no a boy, well he was taller than the stupid boys in her class at least. She looked at him from behind a tree, he was looking at her. How did he know she was here? She knew him, she now recognised as he faced her and ran to hug him, while he picked her up in his arms and kissed her forehead. She loved him, she loved him ever since she could remember and she’d loved him all the six years of her life. He was her hero. He came home sometimes, she visited him sometimes and he played with her and told her stories. He told her that she was a little princess and that she’d grow up to be a beautiful woman. She never understood how he knew, how could she ever be a woman, wasn’t she a little baby? Wouldn’t she always be this little? No, she was five last year, now she was six, soon she’d be tall and pretty. Yes, she knew she would be beautiful; everyone looked beautiful when they were old and went to college. Well, now she was in her favourite place in her hero’s lap and he was nuzzling her neck with his nose.

He was so nice, he always loved her this way, he must love her a lot she felt, maybe he will marry her when she grows up. Maybe she could tell mommy that they will marry each other.  Something brought her back from her musings. He was still cuddling her, but something was wrong, he wasn’t looking at her like everyone else did, he wasn’t even kissing her like everyone else did. It was scary, he wasn’t being nice and gentle, he was hurting her, physically and she didn’t know why but mentally too. Something was not good, something was not right, she didn’t like the way he was grabbing her, how he was pressing her against him and she didn’t like being kissed on the mouth. Yuck, why was he doing that? He didn’t even look familiar, who was this man? Why was he hurting her. She hadn’t hurt him, she had not done anything wrong. She tried to break free, but he kept asking whether she was liking it, She said no so many times. He wasn’t listening. He was just hurting.

His eyes burnt, burnt with flames and she saw a little doll, who looked exactly like her go up in flames. She saw that doll look right into her and she saw fear. She saw fear as if it were alive. As if it were a person. She pulled away, but she had changed, she had changed into the beautiful woman she wanted to be, the boy was not as tall. Just a little taller, but not too much more. He looked at her warily and said, “it’s ok, we’ll just forget it, don’t tell mommy, ok? Mommy won’t like that you got hurt.” She said, in a strange strong voice, “Yes, mommy won’t like it,” and she turned away. She walked and walked. She wished that boy died, but she said sorry to God for wishing so, She didn’t see the boy writhing in pain on the floor, the golden glitter scorching his body. She didn’t see the scorching end and the loveliness of the boy, that she had adored, leave him, she didn’t see him turn into a wretched ghost of himself, a man who looked he’d lost everything and could never have it back, a man who knew he’d never be forgiven. She ran and ran and hugged mommy. Mommy was so warm, so soft, so strong.  Mommy hugged her and she fell asleep.

Trrriiiinnnggg Trrriiinnggg... “Ugh..What...Where? Oh...Monday, Oh College, was that a dream? Who was the girl? Why can I not have normal dreams?”

“Azel!!!! Stop talking to yourself, wake up if you plan to attend college today!”

“Yeah, right. Ugh. Headache. Who needs an alarm, when you can yell like that??!”

“Azel!!!”

“Yeah yeah, waking up, Relax Mom.”

Happy Independence Day

As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.”

I came across this quote today and felt it to be perfect. Freedom is not limited to having your own government. A country is essentially made up of citizens not geographical boundaries. We were lucky to be born in a country which was free in the sense that we now had the right to run our Nation, to make our own mistakes and the responsibility to fulfil our duties as citizens. For the past 63 years many people have tried to make us understand that our freedom fighters sacrificed themselves for a dream, a dream to see India shine, not suffer under the hands of others or even in the hands of her own children.

I refuse to believe that we have done justice to their sacrifices but neither am I a cynic to believe nothing can be done. We are growing as a Nation, but we all are well aware that the growth is plagued by corruption, ignorance, selfishness. I am not a very patriotic person myself, at least not in the extreme sense of the word. I love my country just as I love my home, my family; It isn’t much different, we live with people at home or in our society, with our parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues. We have differences varying in nature, personal, professional, political, academic, many actually. But we function as a family all right even though there are tiffs.

The problem with our society in general is that, even though we believe that we are a free country, we limit it to just the fact that we are autonomous with respect to the world. Autonomy is not the same as freedom, in the true sense of the word, each citizen in the country should have the right to dream and the right to make it come true. Successful, happy and content individuals who want to soar make a country which is happy, content and soaring. If we cannot grow as individuals we cannot grow as a Nation. I cannot expect you to be like me, I cannot expect you to do what I tell you to and I cannot expect to rise by stepping on your freedom.

We are humans, we will be selfish, altruism is never an absolute way, but we must learn where I ends and We begins. A nation of educated, honest individuals who value the concepts of dignity, integrity and equality, and work towards converting dreams to reality without smothering another individual is a free country.


If you want a change, Bring it.
If you want a difference, Make it.
If you want an initiative, Take it.

Happy Independence Day.