Note To Self

I will not think about it* anymore, if it upsets/depresses/angers/bothers/ (any negative emotion)s me in anyway.

*It: Anything that cannot be changed and upsets me for whatever reasons.

P.S. I: So you and I can expect less number of oh-why-did-this-happen and oh-were-it-different et al kinds of blog posts. Well, that’s a happy thought.

P.S. II: One of my favourite pictures, always brings a smile. :)

And So It Is

Now, it isn’t as if I can’t

It is more like,

Why the hell should I?

It wouldn’t have been this wonderful,

Had it been this simple.

It wouldn’t have been this difficult,

If it weren’t so unforgettable.

Regret, forget and deny?

Doesn't work for me,

Truth is: I don’t want to try.

Remember if you will,

Forget if you must.

Whichever way it is,

You do your own

While I do mine.

Betrayal

Smiling and laughing
With stars in their eyes

She trusts and looks up

He teases, adores

The pair so pretty

So innocent, so sure

The mirror reflects

A bond ever so pure

What is hidden from her

Is the dagger behind

That pierces her trust

And shatters her mind

Her family, her friend

Her trust so strong

How could he have hurt her?

How was she so wrong?

Yet through all the pain

Through all that still hurts

She smiles yet and looks up

The twinkle is gone

The laughter is empty

The charade moves on

She stays so as always

For bonds that bind

For friends, and near ones

And more of their kind

The dagger is theirs

Their idea of right

He thinks he has won

She knows he is right

Yet the smile remains

Fake, painful and bright

She knows she’ll go through it

She knows she'll move on

He might have betrayed her

He might have won

But she has her hero,

And he can never be that one


Disclaimer: This is NOT about a romantic tragedy.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better

“No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio 
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego: 
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras, 
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma. 

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva 
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores, 
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo 
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra. 

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde, 
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo: 
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera, 

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres, 
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía, 
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.”

-Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I share this not because I fell in love with it,

I share it because, had I the words or the gift:

I couldn’t have said it better.

P.S.: Thank you so much for suggesting it to me, =)

Crazy times, Good times

Mom: Azel, Stop This Right Now.

Me (Thinking): Haha, Damage Done >:D. Me (Saying): Umm, Sorry. :(

The above has been a part of my daily routine ever since I was capable of doing the Stop-This-Right-Now genre of things. It all began with (as far as I can remember), when I started to crawl-walk and put my fingers in the electric sockets. Solution: Mom had to put cello tape on the ones which I could reach. Me: I found taking off the cello tape as much fun :D

Then, once I learnt how to talk: Haha, Mom is still trying to come to terms with that. All the Ice Cream wallahs made it a point to really make their presence felt when they were anywhere near my house, and due to my deep sense of courtesy, I just had to buy an Ice cream; Mom apparently had stronger emotions dominating over courteousness. Solution: She used to make me sleep with her in the afternoon, I hated Siesta then, it’s more like bliss now. Me: I used to sneak out once she slept, call the Ice-cream wallahs and get free ice-creams, well, they were free for me; they did however take the money later from mom, which I came to know pretty late in life. :D

Then came “School”, each day I used to cry and cry and cry and cry, while my mom tried to leave me at school. Mind  you, it didn’t stop at crying, I used to keep running back to her, ultimately it took two-three “Maasi”s, to carry me back to class and then to keep me sitting in my place till the teacher came. Solution: The school kept a pet parrot near my classroom, which distracted me till mom left. Me: I liked the parrot, it was after my teacher came that I began crying like crazy, till I got chocolates and a chance to sit at the teacher’s desk while the rest of the mortals cried at their little desks. Nursery was fun :D

Kids see cartoons while they eat their food; I ate only when the song “Mere Haathon Mein Nau Nau Churiyan Hain” from the movie “Chandni” came on TV. My mom had to buy the video cassette and play it on the VCR so that I would eat, much to the anger and resentment of the rest of the kids at home as their “Tom and Jerry” had to be stopped or paused for my “Mere Haathon Mein Nau Nau churiyan” time. My cousins still tell me, “Bachpan se hi nautanki hai.”:D I used to play songs from DDLJ, HAHK etc in the music system, and change my clothes so that it matched with each song and then dance to it.

I learnt how to use the phone at home, I used to dial random numbers, and say “Hello, Mera naam Nisha hai (Madhuri, in HAHK), kya main Prem se baat kar sakti hoon?” And then cough, *Uhhu Uhhu*. The telephone and I have been in love with each other for ages now, Solution: Child Lock. Me: I started answering the phone each time it rang. Luckily, it rang a lot, with two doctors at home I got a chance to diagnose a lot of patients and kept telling them, “Agar aapko sardi hai toh Dilosyn lena, bahut tasty hota hai.”

One thing that still irritates mom is my obsession with the mirror, I used to take mom’s sari and dress up and pose in front of the mirror; I still do that. Problem is that I haven’t learnt how to fold the sari yet. Mom is yet to find a solution for this and me, well I have two full length mirrors in my room and access to mom’s saris :D

Mom keeps telling me though, that the good part was that when guests came she could easily be in the kitchen, making tea or whatever for the guests and not worry about leaving them alone because I was always there. Apparently I was very good company even at the age of 5, I spoke to anyone or anything in sight, I started dancing or modeling for them. There was this show that used to come on Zee TV, “Khoobsurat”, my family members used to ask me, “Azel fashion show mein kaise chalte hain?” And well, that was all that was required to get me started with my catwalk.

I remember once, mom gave me an apple, and I said I won’t eat it until it is fully peeled. Baba (My grandfather) then told me that we shouldn’t peel off apples since most of the vitamins are in the skin itself. Like a good girl I agreed. I was unfortunately too good a learner, and too enthusiastic, next day I was attempting to eat a banana without peeling it off. Luckily mom always knows when I go crazy, so she stopped me, and I explained how Baba said we mustn’t peel fruits in order to get maximum benefit.

My first crush was Lord Krishna when I was around 3 or 4, I thought he was really cute on Doordarshan. I was intent on marrying him, Mom had to go through a lot to make me understand that I cannot go about proclaiming that Krishna is my boyfriend and that soon we’ll be married, I then moved on to Aamir Khan, then Shahrukh, then Hrithik, then Tom Cruise, then Hugh Jackman, then Robert Pattinson, Ian Somerhalder, Brad Pitt…I’ve lost count…. Mom now thinks being in love with Krishna was a better option.

Then there was this instance when I was around 4, I had gone out with my aunt to the market, she'd bought flower garlands for some puja, I wore them, sat on the floor of the cycle rickshaw and kept yelling and singing “Main Pagli Hoon” for the entire journey. My cousins took a snap from the balcony when I reached home, I can’t find the picture otherwise I would have scanned and uploaded it. My aunt couldn’t go to the market for a week or two then. Mom threatened that I’d be taken to a mental hospital if I kept on proclaiming that I was mad, I asked her, “Wow, will I get to see mad people?” I still ask her sometimes, if I could see a psychiatrist some day, the conversation might be interesting. She just stares at me or asks me to clean my room. :|

Some of my madness has been cured, some persists and some has escalated. Mom has been dealing with most of it, she is one strong woman. Love you :)

P.S: The Ujaala advertisement, “Aaya Naya Ujaala, Chaar Boondon Wala” is very misleading. I was around 8 years old. I thought I’d try washing my school socks with it and give Mom a surprise. I put the socks in a mug, quarter filled with water and put 4 drops of Ujaala in it, and the sock remained blue for the rest of its life. They should tell people that it is 4 drops in a bucket full of water. How was I to know that at the young, innocent age of 8?

Inspiration of this post: Juhi Agarwal, who just HAD to drink Sugarcane Juice yesterday, even though we were getting late for our dance event, and we reminisced about just how much fun it was to call the ice-cream wallahs each time we saw them.

I Talk A Lot

Was feeling bored, so was reading through some stuff I wrote or tweeted. Here is a list of some of my originals [;)] and some that should be in this list are already on my blog so didn’t add them here.

©      The difference between a feminist and a lesbian is that a feminist accepts that for some things, guys work just fine.

©      Sometimes life gives you lemons, well take them! You never know, they might just become the next "onions"!

©      Opportunities are meant to be seized not counted. (During a game of carom, talking about no of near misses Vs no of shots)

©      Work. If only there was less of it. Actually there was, a long time ago, I just thought procrastination was fun then. It still is though.

©      Earlier when I got bored, I watched ZeeCinema, now I update my blog. Chalo standard badh raha hai. 

©      You know what is better than having no work at all? Finishing it and then having no work at all.

©      Guy (shocked since I am a girl): You know Maths? Me: I'm majoring in Computer Science and Engineering, I can prove 101<10. Do you even know what a number system is?

©      When you look back, you miss the truck heading your way. When you don't, you are stupid enough to think the truck will move to one side. Me? I don’t really care what you do.

©      Since my speaking abilities supersede most people’s comprehensive abilities, I tweet and blog so that you can comprehend at your own pace.

©      What goes around comes around if it moves relatively faster than you if you are moving or if you are not moving at all! So if you don’t want it to come back to you, Run or if you are smart, just step aside!

©      If work were an animal, it'd probably be a rabbit. They multiply at the same rate.

©      If you don't like me, Say It. Even stupid people are entitled to their opinions. Also, admitting your mistakes is half the battle won.

©      Also, what is it with "Advanced Happy Birthday"...what? Can't you people wait just for 1 more day if you've waited for 364 days? Weird.

©      Just realised that u cannot see humility if there isn't appreciation, so if people want me to learn humility they should learn to compliment first.

©      Rule: You either know something or you don't. Exception: When giving a viva/interview.

©      Do like to believe in God, Religion is just unnecessary load we've been carrying for yrs.

©      Lessons are always better when imbibed, not taught.

©      I like using ctrl+x more than ctrl+c, at least when stuff vanishes I can make out something happened, else I keep thinking whether I did d copying right or not.

©      Sarcastic insults are the best kind, if the person gets it, well and good, otherwise he/she just makes it worse for him/herself.

©      Every time I read Calvin and Hobbes, I realise Calvin is my soul-mate, but in his awesome words..."Reality continues to ruin my life."

©      What is with the "I-have-seen-you-somewhere" obsession men have? How do they expect us to respond to that? "Wow, let’s celebrate my visibility!"?

©      Figured that staring at your fb/twitter homepage is the social networking version of "staring at a wall". So that you are not just vella n bored, but online too!

©      Souveek: Kuch toh sharam kar (about my narcissism) Me: Arre honesty naam ki bhi ek cheez hai, jo modesty se badi hai!

©      Spent the day reading about paradoxes, all I can say is that now, at the end of it, I am a deeply confused soul.

©      Was reading about the Grandfather’s Paradox, “Suppose a person did go back in time, kill his grandfather n remain alive, wud he b given the Nobel prize or convicted?”

©      Guess should be off to do some work now. Hey... Just realised that we "do" our work. Haha, as in "screw our work"?

©      The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief-Shakespeare. The robbed that strikes back, gets the stuff back and the thief knocked out!

©      Woman: Still a little girl who likes to laugh, to dream, feels horrible when hurt. Difference: She's learnt 2 kick your pathetic ass while growing up.

©      To "be the change" we must bridge the gap between what we are and what we can be, as individuals and as a country

©      The irony in life is that absence of some(thing/one) usually has more presence than presence itself.

©      Life is a gift we spend half our existence trying to unwrap and figure out.

©      Sarcasm: One’s natural defense against stupidity, melodrama and ignorance.

©      I like to insult in a personalized way, much more thorough, effective and way more fun. Swearing is reserved for those whose vocabulary is limited to it.

©      To be what we want to be, we have to stop being what we don't want to be.

©      During ragging, a senior: "You are very beautiful", me: "Toh?" He looked at me, and went away. Was I supposed to blush and smile, am i Madhubala?

©      Was sitting in my canteen when a guy messaged me, "I can see you". Creep. I replied, "Congrats, I am glad I can't say the same about you."

©      Does it matter whether you verify either? Think about it, assuming the latter is true, it'll reflect poorly on your comprehensive abilities. (In reply to a random guy who said that he believes that I am beautiful, but was doubtful about my intelligence.)

©      Sometimes I just stare at the wall and not even think. Duh, wouldn't thinking make me more miserable about it?

©      You win some, you lose some. I win all, I lose none.

©      "Chivalry" is murdered when the "Chivalrous" claim they were being so.

©      Q:"Think twice before u leap" What if you are stupid and you need more than twice, what if u were right the first time, or what if you miss the chance while thinking?

A: Think, only if you are as smart as me, otherwise just wear a helmet/knee caps (depending where your brain is, if at all present) and leap!

©      Little voice: Things happen. Get over it. Me: Why me? Little Voice: Coz something else happened to someone else. Me: You're Mean.

©      Me: My little voice in the head not only talks but even tweets.... cOoL. Little Voice: Stop acting silly, go to sleep. Me: Okay, Gnite :)

©      My thinking is kind of solenoidal, it usually lacks a source or sink...

©      What if, in my next life, I chance upon my own blog? That'd be pretty cool. I think.

©      “Gulabi Aankhen Jo Teri Dekhi", was the heroine an albino, they have pink/red-ish eyes right? "Sharabi ye dil ho gaya" high alcohol content in blood?

©      “Give me some sunshine, give me some rain; Give me another chance I want to grow up once again.” The guy wants to grow up via the process of photosynthesis? He forgot chlorophyll though.

©      I've realised that if you take up science, screw your entire life but study in +2, coz if you don’t then your life doesn't even remain worth screwing!

©      I don’t want perfection, I don’t want the glory. Just life as I dreamt, The dream that I loved.

©      Decent Looking Guy: "Jisko dekhke yeh na lage ki yeh uss mistri ki tarah dikhta hai jo kal tum par line maarne ki koshish kar raha tha."

©      If a person is Indian and studying Abstract Algebra, chances of him/her studying (engineering>>math honours)

©      Speak Up For What You Believe In, but, Shut Up While I Am Speaking. 

©      I was told by a friend today, "Gyaan deti hai toh above the head and maarti hai toh below the belt.." This is a compliment, right?

©      If you do not love yourself, why the hell would anyone else? Love Thyself, Before Thy Neighbour

©      Literacy is knowing how to sign, Education is knowing when and where to.

At the end of it, I can just say: I talk a lot.

As Long As You Breathe

That feeling of bliss

Of rightness

Of love

May not be for long

May not be for keeps

But whatever you earn

Whatever you steal

That moment is yours

In your heart so deep

Never again

You promise and pray

Not tonight

Not tomorrow

Not ever you say

Yet deep within

You truly know

When asked again

You can never say no

Time passes

Time flies

Yet not a day goes by

When that feeling deserts

When that moment might die

It burns and flares

You yearn and you fight

It shakes you and lifts you

With inexplicable might

You know of its power

You know of its love

You know it will hurt you

But you never give up

That moment was yours

That bliss all your own

Once more you dream

Once more you beseech

No matter the sorrow

No matter tomorrow

That miracle was yours

And yours shall it be

For today

For tomorrow

As long as you breathe